You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
