You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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