went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
