If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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