All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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