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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
