Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
