there's paper in my vomit.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
