fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
