Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
