May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
