we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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