I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
