How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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