I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
they're like a gay fantastic four
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
