I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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