Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
