I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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