I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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