listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
