That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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