Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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