i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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