Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You may now shotgun with the bride
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
