ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
