If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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