You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
