Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
