Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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