And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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