Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
