I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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