You smell like stripper and shame
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
