Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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