I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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