when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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