god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
