dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
