My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
