Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize