You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
