i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
