glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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