I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
