If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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