i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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