Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
