I never want to see another naked old woman again.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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