Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
