I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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