I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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