my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
