I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
