is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize