If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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