You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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