he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
